The Transporter, 2002
Okay first I’ll admit I’ve actually seen this movie before, but since I said I would watch anything you asked me to watch I watched it again. In summary I stand by my Netflix 2 star rating (I think I’ll need to come up with an original Kite the Hero rating system).
So on the postive side this is a very watchable (though completely unsubstantial) movie, and Jason Statham does have a certain stone-faced onscreen charisma. Let’s face it, this is a good, bad movie, the kind it’s easy to get sucked into when you’re flipping the TV channels and then a hour and a half has past and you’re not sure where the time went.
However all that being said, why is it this movie seems so familiar? Possibly because many of the action sequences have been done before. So if you want to watch a fight with a big bald white guy or a truck chase, please just watch Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Other action movie cliches to be found in The Transporter:
- Any character that lives by a set of rules will break said rules
- When it appears the group of bad guys are being beaten badly, weapons will be conveniently found on hand. (Hey look everyone, there are metal pipes that were conveniently left here.)
- Escalation in weapon size. Never start with a rocket launcher if you can first start with high-powered rifles. It would be anti-climatic to just blow up the house and wouldn’t allow the hero to escape.
- Bad guys who have you encircled will always attack you one at a time. (Isn’t that a relief.)
- Cars that the bad guys drive will explode dramatically when hit by another car. (Must be all that dynamite bad guys carry around in the trunk.)
- Heroic characters have thought through every contingency. (Isn’t it a coincidence that I not only have scuba gear down here for an underwater escape, but I have two sets which is very thoughtful for someone who lives alone.)
- It takes about 10 seconds to suffocate someone. (Definitely the way to go if you need to kill someone, it’s so quick, easy and, for the squeamish, bloodless.)
- Bonus tidbit: Everyone in France has a Madeline pan in their kitchen, because after a hard day of saving the world who doesn’t want a Madeline.
So what should Kite the Hero watch next?
